I live in an in-between place that is full of self-doubt, regret, guilt and fear. It is a place that I created, that I want to escape, that I control and have no control over. The name of this place is obesity. Its symptoms are arthritis, hypertension, and asthma; they stand alone and work together to render me pseudo-disabled; unable to function at a normal physical level but not considered medically disabled. In this place I have near constant pain of varying levels at varying times. Attempts to push beyond one area of pain often leads to another area of pain, or worse a raising of my blood pressure to levels that truly frighten me. Levels where my head throbs with every beat of my heart, where I can hardly breathe and each breath is painful, where I feel pressure and pain in my chest. I fear that I am having a heart attack, and the fear further raises my blood-pressure. How do I move out of this place? How do I take control when my own body is my enemy? If I could change any part of my life it would be the obesity; until you are living with it there is no way to understand the affects it has on human life. Today I fear that I will never win this battlke and move beyond this in-between life.

Big Changes

Well, there are big changes going on around us. People may never notice them, but they deserve congratulations anyway.

First: I know someone who recently finished her Associate's Degree and is now moving on to receive her Bachelor's. I am so proud of her for going back to school. She may be a "non-traditional" student, but she is one AMAZING woman to me. Snaps for you.

Second: I know someone who's interview skills have been strong enough to get them a second interview and a meet & greet. Way to go you. Keep on the good work. (Don't worry... "they" are still crossed!)

Third: I myself have got an interview, see another change.

These changes could help everyone they touch. Let's keep them all in our prayers. God Bless, and Good Night.

Lazy Weekends full of Work

Ever have a weekend where you KNOW you should be working on something. You HAVE things that NEED to be done. You know all of this, you understand it, you may even have had a minor freak out over this, but you just can not force yourself to do it. That's been my weekend. I have done some things that need to be done. I did a bit of research for my paper, and a little bit of reading. Too bad I haven't done EVERYTHING I should have done. Now, to convince myself to do it!

Even when things look like they are not happening the way they should, you get little bits of happy information. I just received an e-mail that told me I have passed the first step of the RA/CA application process. Now I move on to group discussions and interviews. I'm excited for this. I'm trying NOT to get my hopes up though in case I don't get the position. So, good things come in at all times!

Now, I've been addicted with the Hallmark channel today (Romance movies!), but I really should get some work done. What do you think? Also, I told you to KEEP the snow mom. I didn't want it, but yet, here it is. THANKS!

Sunshine and Saturday

After several days of overcast skies, lack of sleep, and a bad case of the doldrums, I woke Saturday to sunshine through my curtains, and I felt wonderful! Tired of being in the house and watching TV all the time I "kidnapped" dad for an afternoon out-just the 2 of us! We went to Oconto and had lunch at Crivello's (still as good as ever). After lunch we went to the pharmacy where we looked at ... hold your hat, dad looked too ... at nick-knacks! We are beginning to look for new things for our curio cabinet. No purchases though-poor selection. Apparently according to their choices cows, roosters, and indians are the big thing now. They had some great black bears, but dad says he wants to keep them special for Christmas only. Anyway, we then took a ride along the bay up into Peshtigo and back to the Falls. The sun was bright and felt great on our faces and shoulders as we rode. Dad and I talked a lot during our time out. He agreed to start taking walks with me everyday and to do my Richard Simmions with me in the morning (this I can't wait to see)! We also talked about activities we could do and places to go so we are not home all the time! He admitted to getting very stir-crazy too! All-in-all it was a very nice afternoon! I bought myself a new jigsaw puzzle to keep me busy too. It is a marina scene. about 500 pieces. Not too bad.
Last night Jessie and Brad came in. We had them pick up a couple of pizzas for supper for everyone. It was nice. Jessie and I talked a bit about the ideas they have for their wedding so far. They have a lot figured out already, now we have to get things into motion...like reserving the venue. I think I should let her tell you all her plans though... a good topic for sister chat. They also brought their x-box withthem so we could watch net-flix. We watched a comedian (I cant remeber his name) but he is one of the blue collar tri. It was his stand-up act on aging. It was hysterical. He did a bit about empty-nesting and bored wives that included jokes related to taking walks and holding hands. Particularly funny since i had asked dad just that morning to start taking walks with me and his first response had been "you just want an excuse to hold my hand". Too funny for me. The evening ended unfortunately with dad getting a stomach ache and heading to bed, but otherwise a great day!

Thursday Night With the Roommate

Want to know about a fun night? This one! I spent it with you roommate. First I made some WONDERFUL homemade cream cheese mashed potatoes (and chicken). Then we watched Bones (a show on FOX). After that Jess had some baking to do. See, she is going home tomorrow for girls night with her mom and friends from home, and she was asked to bring some sweet treats. Jess baked flour-less chocolate torte. It's pretty good. Has the consistency of pudding with the edges of a chewy brownie. It's not bad. Nothing I would really make, but overall something new. Then, we decided... on a whim... to attempt some creme brule. Well, let me tell you, this was QUITE the experience. Who knew that creme brule is egg whites and creme. You beat them together then bake them. We followed the directions, but they are not getting hard. We have now decided maybe they should chill some more. We put them in the fridge for the night. Guess only time will tell! Next time, maybe I'll mix the ingredients (I follow a measurements, Jess guesses!)!! Then, after we had consumed the bits of torte that didn't look pretty we decided to have some fun. We read from my 101 Things to do before your 30 book. We decided that there are a few in there we might accomplish together. Then we started asking each other questions from my "IF" book. We came up with some pretty interesting things. It's fun to learn new things about each other. Then, because we were both feeling bloated we decided it would be a good time to work out.

Now, I haven't worked out in a LONG time, so I'm a bit... rusty. I walked on the treadmill. I don't know why but I LOVE to set the incline up high (as if you are walking up steep hills). I don't really like to walk too fast (no running please... straight lines aren't my friend), so I go up instead. I walked a 30 minute mile. (I think I'm going to feel it tomorrow!) It was nice, just to be able to walk for a little while. Jess doesn't judge me, so I feel comfortable with her. Now Jess... well, she booked it on the elliptical... 3 miles in 30 minutes!!! Go Jess!

After that we came back and talked for a bit more. Now... I'm updating you. I think I'm going to finish my posting, change into pj's then go to bed. I have things to do tomorrow!

?????????

Dis I finally figure this out? Is this where I am supposed to post?

Welcome to Saturday Night in Grad School. What to know what I'm doing tonight? I've been working on homework. I did stop to watch a movie on Lifetime. It was titled Lying to Perfection. I really enjoyed this movie. It was about friendship, and letting the woman you are on the inside truly be the woman you are on the outside.

Want to know my plans for tomorrow? Homework! Well, until some people come over to watch a movie, which is HOMEWORK for me. I had a friend who was going to come visit, but something happened back at home (she said everyone is okay, but she had to go home) so she is no longer coming to visit. It makes me sad.

Something else that makes me sad... Michelle. She lives less than 45 minutes from me, but keeps putting off making plans with me. I don't know if it is something I did or did not do. Every time I try to broach the subject she puts it aside. I don't know. Let's just hope I can keep making some friends here. I need connections. I can't stand feeling this alone.

I know that I'm the one who chose to go to school and I KNOW that transitions are hard. The thing I don't know or understand is why, when someone tells you they want to visit with you and that they are free, they then change their mind. I guess I just haven't figured people out yet. Maybe someday... or maybe I'll just retreat into my books. At least they don't reject me.

Speaking of books, one of my assignments for my Children's Lit class is to read a 150 page children's book. Well, I went to the library today and found two. I couldn't decide between them. I'm currently reading 11 Birthdays by Wendy Mass. This book is about two friends named Amanda and Leo. They were born on the same day 11 years ago. From their 1st to their 10th birthday's they always celebrated together, but something happened at the 10th party, and they haven't spoken for an entire year. Now, on the eve of their 11th Birthday they are trying to figure out exactly what happened.

The second book is called The Girl Who Threw Butterflies by Mick Cochrane. This book is about an 8th grader named Molly. She has had a BAD year. Her dad died, her mom ignores her, and her best friend is sitting with someone else. All she wants to do is join the baseball team (her dad loved baseball). The problem: the baseball team is all boys.

Well, now that you know about my pathetic weekend, I hope you are enjoying your even more. Remember that some notes fall down for a reason.