I live in an in-between place that is full of self-doubt, regret, guilt and fear. It is a place that I created, that I want to escape, that I control and have no control over. The name of this place is obesity. Its symptoms are arthritis, hypertension, and asthma; they stand alone and work together to render me pseudo-disabled; unable to function at a normal physical level but not considered medically disabled. In this place I have near constant pain of varying levels at varying times. Attempts to push beyond one area of pain often leads to another area of pain, or worse a raising of my blood pressure to levels that truly frighten me. Levels where my head throbs with every beat of my heart, where I can hardly breathe and each breath is painful, where I feel pressure and pain in my chest. I fear that I am having a heart attack, and the fear further raises my blood-pressure. How do I move out of this place? How do I take control when my own body is my enemy? If I could change any part of my life it would be the obesity; until you are living with it there is no way to understand the affects it has on human life. Today I fear that I will never win this battlke and move beyond this in-between life.