Saturday, March 6, 2010

I live in an in-between place that is full of self-doubt, regret, guilt and fear. It is a place that I created, that I want to escape, that I control and have no control over. The name of this place is obesity. Its symptoms are arthritis, hypertension, and asthma; they stand alone and work together to render me pseudo-disabled; unable to function at a normal physical level but not considered medically disabled. In this place I have near constant pain of varying levels at varying times. Attempts to push beyond one area of pain often leads to another area of pain, or worse a raising of my blood pressure to levels that truly frighten me. Levels where my head throbs with every beat of my heart, where I can hardly breathe and each breath is painful, where I feel pressure and pain in my chest. I fear that I am having a heart attack, and the fear further raises my blood-pressure. How do I move out of this place? How do I take control when my own body is my enemy? If I could change any part of my life it would be the obesity; until you are living with it there is no way to understand the affects it has on human life. Today I fear that I will never win this battlke and move beyond this in-between life.

2 comments:

  1. The in-between is the scariest place to be. I know, because I too live there. The difference is that I do not have all these symptoms. I do not know how to help you other then to tell you that I believe in you. I understand the frustrations and I can sympathize with the obstacles. My best suggestion is to find a time for yourself and figure out what you want to do about it. Do you want to do the video you have or would you rather swim? What is is that YOU want. If you figure that out, then let me know. I'll do whatever I can to help.

    I hope you find yourself in a better place... at least one day at a time. You are an AMAZING person. Just remember that.

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  2. Thank you for your continuous support. Some days are better than others.

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